Writing

Vortex Publishing

Writing by Tony Inwood ©

For a more comprehensive collection of writings please visit www.wordgalaxy.blogspot.co.uk

On This Page: (please scroll down)
Poem: Bark, Bach and Offenbach
Poem: The Church of St Bunnies'
Poem: Because I am Old
Song: The "I Love Jesus Song"
Poem: Longing to Live
Poem: The Psychotherapist
Poem: A Little Warmth
Poem: Ego
Poem: A Lizard's Tail!
Short Story: The Cache-less Society
Sketch: University Challenge


Bark, Bach and Offenbach!

My dogs often bark
when they hear a Bach symphony,
and they often bark to Offenbach.
But can they Can-Can to Offenbach?

And did Offenbach have a dog?
And if he did, how often did he bark?
(the dog that is, not Offenbach –
I don’t suppose he barked at all!)
Well, maybe occasionally!

And what of Bach?
I bet he had a cat!

The Church of St. Bunnies'!

(Dedicated to all those souls who valiantly attend Church meetings!)

At the Church of St Bunnies,
the meetings are funny.
Let us eavesdrop and see what goes on!

*****************
Here comes hedgehog over the hill
bearing his briefcase on top of his quills
“Good morning rabbit”, he cheerfully calls
as they turned up together
at St Bunnies Church Hall.

A pastoral ‘pastoral committee’ no less,
if they’d just work together,
it would really be blessed.

So they all tripped in,
one at a time.
There was hedgehog
and rabbit,
looking sublime.
Then ferret and mole
and newt and toad,
who was all out of breath,
cause he’d run down the road.
And finally fox,
who was also the chair,
which rabbit and toad
thought was very unfair.

So well attended,
these Church meetings are.
And all of them desperately
trying to be star!

Fox brings out the agenda,
thankfully short,
for people will talk
far more than they ought!

But weasel is clever
and through his endeavour
he slips one in
at the end.
And all had the hope
they’d be able to cope
if this started a terrible trend!

Then rat had a dream
for a hare-brained scheme
which he’d told several times before.
So half an hour later
this great hot potater
was put on ice once more.

Then it’s cleaning the gutters
and mending the roof.
And poor bat has gone batty
and cat stays aloof.

And item 4 poor toad deplores
and is ever so desperate
to head for the door.
But mole and ferret
go rabbitting on
about plans for refurbishment
and singing of songs.

Then vole interrupts
to tell of his scheme,
to use all the Church funds
to clean up the stream.
But that causes uproar
and a terrible din
and hedgehog gets up
and boldly chips in,
“but there are poor folk out there
with whom we should share
not squander on water
that’s very unfair.”

So what should they do?
Oh what a furore.
Nobody there
was certain or sure,
till up piped hamster
with a mischievous grin,
“Let’s ring the prayer line
and see if he’s in!”

But three hours later
and no let up it seems.
And poor mouse is tired
and just wants to scream.

So round and round in circles
they went.
But at least, it seems
they had all given vent
to the righteous feelings
they all had in store.
But with every minute
it got nearer to war.

But fox he was crafty
and certainly not daft, he.
So he called for peace in the ranks
“Lets remember we’re brothers
Lets love one another…”
and for this they all gave great thanks.
So their hearts they did blend,
as their love they did send,
and they gave one another a kiss.
And as fox said a prayer
from his uncomfortable chair,
the meeting it ended in bliss!


Because I am Old.

Here I sit in silence,
sipping cold tea.
Actually its cold milk
and water – I sometimes forget
to put in the teabag.
Sometimes I can’t even remember
how to boil the kettle.

I often check the fridge
and find mouldy food,
which should really
be in the dustbin.
Sometimes I find good food
in the dustbin, which should
really be in the fridge.

Someone came to see me last week.
She was very nice and said
something about my going to live in
an old people’s home – that they
would look after me there.
But I don’t want to go and live
with a lot of old people.

It’s dark in here now.
I must put the light on
and watch television.
The trouble is
I can’t really understand what
they are saying any more
and the screen is just a blur.

My body aches all the time.
I am very uncertain on my feet.
I feel so weak and tired and slow.
I know my mind is going
and I really panic sometimes.
Bette Davis once said
“Old age is not for Sissies”.
She was right.

I am old
and cold
and frightened.

Where am I going?


The ‘I Love Jesus’ Song.

I love Jesus
at the start of the day.
He makes me happy
when I kneel and pray.
He loves my Mummy
and my Daddy too.
I love Jesus
and Jesus loves you.

I love Jesus
when I go to school.
He holds my hand
and I feel cool.
He’s always there
whatever I do.
I love Jesus
and Jesus loves you.

I love Jesus.
I love my dog.
I love my cat
and I love frogs!
I love my rabbit
and my family too.
I love Jesus
and Jesus loves you.

I love Jesus
cos he made the sun.
He makes me happy
and I have fun.
He made the sky
and he made the sea.
I love Jesus
and Jesus loves me.

I love Jesus
when I go to bed.
He gives me peace
when I rest my head.
So I say thank you
cos I can see,
that I love Jesus
and Jesus loves me.


Longing to Live.(For Chris)

Asleep he lay,
groaning.
His morphine filled blood
made everything dull, so dull.

A disembodied voice rang through!

Someone he knew?
He heard sighing.
He heard crying.
Who was it?
Was it him?
For a while
nothing disturbed the
cacophony of silence.

Then a scream.
More pain.
Terrible, terrible pain.

Morphine, pain,
pain, morphine.
Would it ever end?
Where was he going?
Would it all end soon?
What was the end?

Sighing.
Crying.
Trying.
Lying to himself
over and over again.

Trying not to cry.
Trying hard to cry.
Crying to die.

Longing to live.


The Psychotherapist.

This is the tale
of a boy found in jail,
who they thought was
in need of assistance.
He’d seen shrinks before
who had opened the door,
but had never gone the full distance.

So kind Mr Brown,
who worked up in town,
said he would treat him for free.
Cause the boy was so poor
he had nothing in store
and nor did the authority.

So he quizzed the boy closely,
(who always seemed ghostly)
for the pain he’d been hiding for years.
So after much probing
and mental exploding,
the young man broke down into tears.

Then the lad started laughing,
for he’d been photographing
all these scenes in his mind for years.
Then the thought of his brother
and psychotic mother,
released all his terrible fears.

So the therapist stood at the brink of his hell
and saw all the torment inside.
And only he alone
could tell
whether the young lad had died.

The cure it was grim.
How long would it take
this leap into the unknown?
And just whose mind was it going to break.
The seeds of destruction were sown.

So the therapist sat and reflected on that
and all the impossible chatter.
But he cured the boy
and gave him his joy.
But he is now mad as a hatter.


A Little Warmth.

All I ever wanted was
a little warmth;
a mother’s gentle touch,
a sister’s kind and friendly laugh.

A little warmth
would save a dozen despots
a thousand wars,
and so many sad and twisted human beings.

God give us love.
Give us true and healthy growth.

Give us warmth.

Ego

Ego must go,
weighs me down so.
Ergo, held low.

Ego blocks me.
Make friends?
Stops me.

Break free?
Can’t do.
Binds me,
binds you.

Eager to fly,
let go – ride high.

Let go, ego.
Ergo, flow so,
swim in life’s flow.

Freedom?
Hope so!
　

A Lizard’s Tail.

Lizzy the Lizard

thought swimming was wizard,

and she loved to lie by the pool.

And as she flashed her tail

at every male

she turned them all into fools!

But it was Norman the Newt

(actually a bit of a lounge lizard himself!)

all dressed in sharp suit

who was struck by her charms most of all.

So he took her to dinner

and ended up winner

and gave her a ring beautiful.

So they just couldn’t wait

from that very first date

to hop into bed and have fun

and they dreamed of the day

when they’d be married and say

‘I do’ on a beach in the sun.

But Norm’s love was so zealous,

that he got very jealous

when he learned that she’d kissed men before.

He got very distracted

when he knew she attracted

other frogs and newts by the score!

For it was Freddy the Frog

with whom she’d had her first snog,

under a stone by the pool.

And although it was brief

as she lay on a leaf

she thought it was terribly cool.

So poor Norm he got sad

and terribly mad

at Freddy for stealing a kiss

and thought of a plan

to shoot the poor man

from a place where he

just couldn’t miss.

So the feud it was bitter

and although we may titter,

a newt in a rage is not fun.

Especially so, when to shop

he did go

to purchase a powerful gun.

So Norm lay in wait

by the old garden gate

until Freddy the Frog

came in sight.

Then he took up his aim

meaning only to maim,

but he shot and killed him

that night.

So he rushed off to Lizzy

and explained what he’d done

And said we must run far away.

Let us not tarry

but make haste to marry

and he carelessly threw down the gun.

So Lizzy the lizard

and Norman the newt,

leapt on a boat

and sailed off to Bute.

And this odd looking pair

were married right there

and drank lots of fizzy to boot.

Then they went to the hotel

That was made out of shells

Checked in

and went up to their suite.

But Norm was unsteady

as he tried to get ready,

while Lizzy turned up the heat!

And lizzy did laugh

as she lay in the bath

and rubbed lavender soap

on her skin.

But Norman got drunk

as he unpacked his trunk

that was heavily laden with gin.

But as he lay on the floor

and kept asking for more

he knew all the while he was done.

And he knew by his sin

all was terribly grim

and that night he would

never have fun.

Now poor Lizzy was shocked

as she pulled off his socks,

but saw it was useless to try.

So she opened a bottle

as she wanted to throttle

poor Norman,

but started to cry.

So poor Lizzy got dizzy

from far too much fizzy

and collapsed in a heap on the floor.

But just as she fell

there was a ring of the bell

and a very loud knock at the door.

Then in came a cop

who had caught them on the hop,

with a warrant so very secure.

So as Norman woke up,

still in his cups,

(or indeed still drunk as a newt!)

he knew the Police would not fail.

So the newt was arrested,

although he protested,

and now he is living in jail.

Short Stories

The Cache-less Society.

He was hungry. He hadn’t eaten anything for days, except a piece of Cornish pasty that he had found dumped in a bin and that had made him violently sick.

He walked past the bakery and could smell the aroma of fresh bread, assaulting his tired appetite. Walking on past a newsagent he saw a tabloid newspaper triumphantly trumpeting out the headline: “CRIME CONQUERED AT LAST”.

In the old days it wasn’t like this. It was easy to steal from supermarkets if you were hungry, although it was much harder when CCTV was introduced on every aisle. Still, if you were smart you could do it in a crowd and not be spotted! That’s probably why it happened. The supermarkets were so concerned with the amount of pilfering, that they labelled every single item with a bar code. This wasn’t just for ease of checking out at the till, or to help with stock control. No, after a while they had it so that if you walked out of the store even with just a loaf of bread, an alarm would go off and security guards would pounce.  Of course this cost them a lot more in terms of employing the extra security and technology nationwide, than their losses from petty theft, but they wanted to make the point that no-one was going to steal from them and get away with it.

Mind you, the smaller shops jut couldn’t afford that kind of technology and protection, so it was still possible for a long time afterwards to help yourself if you were careful. Then about a year ago they brought in the so-called “cashless society”. Apparently they’d been planning it a long time and despite various technical problems and objections from Civil Rights Groups, big business finally had its way. 

Basically, everyone had to have a microchip inserted into the back of their hand or their forehead, which contained vast amounts of information about them and was linked to a central government computer, local authority computers and the banks. Suddenly, cash was no longer needed. What a wondrous system! From then on everyone who worked had to have their money paid into their bank account electronically, even for casual labour. Then any bills they had to pay were again all paid electronically even when shopping. What happened was that every time you went to the till with your goods they were totalled up in the usual way and all you had to do was have your hand or forehead scanned and hey presto, the money was immediately debited from your account.

“Brilliant”, said the politicians. “Brilliant” said big business and the banks. At a stroke financial crime was a thing of the past. If you didn’t have money in your account, you could not check the goods out from the shop. There was no more credit card fraud. There was no more tax evasion because the computers kept an eye on all you earned, from whatever source and automatically deducted the tax you owed every month. No more under the counter payments for anything!

The sex-trade suffered to start with, of course. It was no longer possible to visit a now legalised brothel anonymously. Even if one could avoid the CCTV cameras on every lamppost by wearing disguise, the transaction always showed up on your bank statement! Sadly, a lot of marriages suffered. However, that didn’t last long because there were some very prominent politicians and big wigs from the world of business, who found that their “fun” was curtailed so badly that they had to “improve” the system. Basically a small charge paid to a financial consortium ensured that certain transactions could be reallocated as payments to charity. This was popularly known as “screwing” the system!

Another brilliant piece of technology that was also incorporated into the microchips everyone had in their bodies was a homing device. This stunning piece of micro-technology not only recorded the whereabouts of a person but could, if “necessary” record all their conversations too! This meant that the police, local authorities, and employers could always monitor one’s movements minutely, if they chose to do so. And the idea of “Throwing a sickie” became virtually extinct overnight! Of course, unofficially, a “modest fee” to the right person in the consortium would ensure that this feature would be disabled.

The scope for monitoring people’s lives and behaviour was almost total. Every computer, even one’s home PC, was linked to a central computer that could share information with any party according to the decision of the “controllers”. Virtually all that you did was on record, either from CCTV film, financial transactions, the homing device or other forms of computer technology. This did have some very real benefits, though. Child porn, for instance, became a thing of the past – except, of course, in cases where the consortium benefited!

Even the Churches now had access to vast pools of information. They could tell at the flick of a button which members of the congregation were giving to Church funds and how much. A marvellous new innovation was created whereby anyone who was caught doing wrong during the week, be it traffic offences, acts of violence caught on CCTV or indeed naughty conversations with one’s partner or lover, could have their sins “forgiven” by an appropriate fee to the religious department of the consortium. (This money was often used discreetly by government officials to try and dissuade “wayward” ministers of religion from criticising government policy on a whole range of issues, including the homeless and the mentally ill.)

It also meant that the record of one’s crime was removed from the public register, so that people could not access details of them on the internet by downloading the euphemistically entitled “Sin Bank”. This was a huge form of entertainment that had developed very quickly and people indulged in it all the time very often on the way to work, through their I-Pods! Always good to know what naughty things one’s neighbours had been up to!

The final sanction upon anyone who displeased the authorities persistently was “Vacuum Cleansing”. This simply meant that all records of their lives were expunged from the central computer, which effectively meant that they no longer existed. Anyone who suffered this fate then lived in a kind of vacuum or void for the rest of their lives for there was no way they could buy or sell or trade in any way at all.

Meanwhile our hapless victim, still hungry and increasingly desperate was walking along the high street. The “Supertaste” supermarket loomed up in front of him, a great temple of hedonism, advertising its wares tantalisingly with overblown pictures of food. It was late on a winter’s afternoon and the light had almost faded. He turned in disgust down a side street and for some reason decided to cut off down a side road behind the supermarket itself. Perhaps it was instinct from the days when he could break in to places so easily. Perhaps it was just good fortune….. Who knows?

But he was suddenly struck by a vision - almost a mirage. The supermarket delivery gate was slightly ajar and inside was a van marked “Electrician” and the occupant of the van was standing beside a big white box with rows and rows of fuses in it. He flashed his torch on each of them until he appeared to find what he was looking for. Then he casually walked back to his van to get something from the back. Like a flash, our victim was right there by the fuse box. He grabbed the torch and then started to pull out all the fuses in quick succession. The dark afternoon was suddenly made that much darker as all the lights went out in the yard, the supermarket and most importantly of all, the computer technology was rendered utterly useless!

Our victim triumphantly entered the supermarket through the back entrance, grabbed some carriers and using the electrician’s torch saw all the nice foods he had been dreaming of. He piled them into the bags like a demented game show winner who has just two minutes in which to fill a trolley with goodies. He then made a rapid exit through the front door, past the bewildered and chaotic crowds, and blew a kiss at the now shadowy food posters in the windows.

By the time the electricity had been restored, he was sitting safely on a park bench feasting on all his favourite foods, with the contented knowledge that he had at least another two days supply in his bags!

University Challenge.

Let me introduce you to the teams.

First from Glastonbury!! ……..Oh, I didn’t know they had a university there!  Never mind, from left to right then – Bowie, you’re reading Astronomy. Dylan, The History of Folk Music. Dr. Hook - Medicine and Hendrix…. you’re taking medicine!

Right, now York – from left to right: Gresham, you’re reading Psychology, Montague-Smith, Marine Biology, Harcourt, Dress design and Simmington….. you’re reading Enid Blyton!

Right. I’m sure you all know the rules by now……..could someone please explain them to me?

No? Well here’s your starter for 10.

Who wrote Mozart’s 40th symphony?

No, Simmington, it wasn’t Beethoven.

Glastonbury any offers?

Right next question.

Originating in 1962 in the writings of the philosopher of science Thomas S Coombe, what two-word term refers to a fundamental change in approach or underlying assumptions?

Silence.

No not doing very well so far are we? It’s a “Paradigm Shift”.

Next. Studied and named by Galileo in 1599, which curve is the locus of a point on the rim of a circle of radius ‘A’ if the circle is rolled along a straight line?

No ideas…….Come on its pretty obvious - it’s written here on the card! It’s a cycloid for goodness sake.

Well it’s neck and neck at the moment. Let’s see if any of you can actually score……..not much point in it if you don’t! …..oh well, suit yourselves!

Another starter question then. In 1978, Arthur Daley famously said “It’s better to buy a bent motor than walk to work or travel by horse”. And in a legal precedent, was successfully prosecuted for inciting criminal behaviour. Which famous TV Personality was called to the bar to defend him that same year?

Terry McCan? Yes quite right, Montague-Smith and it was the Coach and Horses in Peckham apparently……! So here is a picture round.

You have in front of you 3 photos of politicians. The first is Ted Heath, then Harold Wilson and finally Jeremy Thorpe.

So for 5 points York, how do you spell Ted?

Oh well done!

Second - was Teddy Kennedy a bear or a politician?

No, Simmington, I’m afraid he was a politician.

And the final question in this round.

If you woke up one morning and found Teddy Kennedy in your bed, would you

a)     Give him a cuddle?

b)    Call the police?

c)     Vote Republican?

Oh you sleep on the floor do you, Gresham……very droll.

Try this one for size then. In which country are the major sea-ports of Tampeco, Vera Cruz and Mazaplan?

Mexico. Quite right Montague-Smith, you are in good form tonight.

Next. Cumulo-nimbus is a type of cloud formation. Can you name one other?

No, Hendrix, not purple haze.

No Dr. Hook, I won’t get off of your cloud!

OK let’s try an easy one for you. In 1933 Adolf Hitler became Chancellor of which European country?

No York, it wasn’t France.

No, not Belgium, Glastonbury – look what public schools did you lot go to anyway? It was Germany for goodness sake.

Right, next question. What form of ecclesiastical and judicial procedure links Torsaker in Sweden in 1675, Pendle in Lancashire in 1612 and Salem in Massachusetts in 1692?

Witch Trials? – No I’m asking you which trials, Gresham……Oh never mind.

Named after an American physical chemist born in 1875, what type of acid can accept a pair of electrons and form a co-ordinate, co-valent bond?

I’m sorry, no conferring. No, look you can’t talk either or chat or hob-nob or whisper – look what’s the matter with you, can’t you understand plain English?

Right Glastonbury, minus 5 points…….and another 10 for answering back!

Yes I can, I run this show, not you!

I repeat - Named after an American physical chemist born in 1875, what type of acid can accept a pair of electrons and form a co-ordinate, co-valent bond?

What do you mean, Dylan – What does it mean?

Look, I don’t know; you’re supposed to be the brainy ones!

Harcourt, or may I call you Carol?  You buzzed from York.

Parazone?….yes, that’s near enough Carol.

Which British artist and illustrator who died in 2004 was best known for his depictions of Gymkhana events featuring a pig-tailed girl called Penelope and her pony called Kipper?

Carol – you know that’s quite a buzz you’re giving me there!

Yes, it’s Thelwell. Well done……………..Oh, so you’ve got a pony too have you Carol? ……lucky pony!

Who wrote Ziggy Stardust and the…..  – You’re certainly hot on that button Carol…….no you didn’t Bowie……… look Carol definitely buzzed first, I heard it quite distinctly……………. Right minus 5 points Glastonbury.

Now, Carol you were saying……David Cassidy…. Uh, not quite Carol, but I’ll give you half points for that.

In which County of Ireland is the market town of Thurles, where in the Hays Hotel in 1884 the Gaelic Association was formed to promote sports such as Hurling and Gaelic football?

Tiptree? That’s in Essex you idiot!

Well it may be pretty close, Gresham, but I need the exact answer.

It was Tipperary.

Now, which politician said, “If everyone were to vote Tory tomorrow it’s highly likely they would form the next government.”?

I’m sorry your time’s up. It was actually a famous footballer who said it.

Now what make of car is Henry Ford famous for maufacturing?

You buzzed, Simmington?

No you can’t be excused, you should have gone before the show started.

I don’t care if you’re desparate……oh go on then but make it quick.

Now what’s black and white and…..

Dr Hook, you buzzed from Glastonbury……..I’m sorry we can only accept answers from here in the studio. Minus another 5 points.

And no, York, you may not phone a friend or ask the audience!

Right, I’ll finish the question: read all over?

No… apparently it’s a newspaper!

Yes I know it’s a silly question, Dylan but I don’t research them, do I?

Right, it’s neck and neck now with only one minute left, so hands on buzzers everyone.

I said buzzers Hendrix, not Harcourt!…..Honestly, it would be easier to run a zoo!

So, only 30 seconds left.

Which TV presenter who also hosts a famous news programme is the most wonderful, glamorous and talented genius in the entire world?

No Bowie. It’s not Chris Tarrant.

No it’s not!

Look, I’ve got the card and it definitely does not say Chris Tarrant.

Look it’s me. Can’t you see, it’s plain as a pike-staff. I’m the answer and I’m sitting right in front of you, you cretins….

BONG.


If you would like to know more about Vortex Publishing please contact Tony Inwood on:  thevortexarts@gmail.com